It seems that every time I listen to one of those hypnotic weight loss CDs or start reading about how this person or that person lost a whole lot of weight – lot meaning over 200 lbs – I actually start gaining weight.

I know, at some level, I’m trying to pawn off my personal responsibility for stuffing my body with tons of sugar and starch. Yet, I can’t help but feel there might be a kind of reverse effect from this stuff. You know. Read about weight loss and I figure that’s all it’ll take.

I’ve also been throwing hundreds of dollars away at a local gym because I’ve been paying their monthly fee and not going (the perfect client for the gym). I’ve tried counting calories and joined a website that helps me keep track but I end up frustrated, hungry and eventually stop counting.

Now I find myself at the absolute heaviest I’ve been in my entire life. I weighed n this morning at 305 lbs. That’s a lot of weight. My blood pressure is high and I’m on drugs for that. I have sleep apnea. I’m going through physical therapy for what is essentially arthritis in my neck. My left hip aches (more arthritis) and reduces a little (just a little) of my mobility mostly in the raising and lowering of my leg.

Long story short, I’m falling apart physically and it’s mostly due to being grossly – morbidly – overweight.

I really, really, really have to get hold of myself.